Mental health day where?

Last week I decided that I would take the day off today. There are 101 reasons why I needed today off. In my head I had my whole day planned out. I was going to clean on Sunday and get my errands done so Monday I could just relax. Sunday night I decided that I was going to drop off the kids at school, quickly stop for groceries, come home and finish cleaning the house, I wanted to catch up on notes for my clients for my other job, I was going to get my nails done, and then I was going to pick up the kids for an afternoon out. Delusional? Yes I was.

Want to know what I got done? I dropped off the kids late (I took my sweet time doing the girls hair), I started notes for my clients, I had lunch, took a 20 minute nap, picked up the kids and took them out, got home super late to get homework done and for them to shower, argued with the kids about homework, and now they are in bed.

What shitty fucking day that was… can I get a do over? Can I just call off again tomorrow? I am not ready for another week of work.

My goal was to have a mental health day and this just gave a mental break down. I am ending my night with tears in my eyes. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed that the thought of everything that has to get done is literally eating up my sanity. The thought of the time that I am missing with my kids is breaking my heart. There are not enough hours in a day and I o

My kids miss me. And I miss them.

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raw and unfiltered

During the day I’d feel lonely no matter how much company I had around, and every single night, I would feel unaccomplished and worthless. It was starting to define me as a person and eat up at my soul. People were disappointing me on a daily basis and I was allowing them! I was allowing people to define my happiness and my peace. Was I wrong for wanting people to acknowledge me? Was I wrong for wanting people to understand my struggles?  Was I wrong for wanting to feel loved?

My whole life I felt loved. I thankfully grew up with two amazing parents and two amazing siblings. I was spoiled by my abuela and abuelo — not just with material things, but with words. My uncles were a big part of my life as well. My family has always been caring and supportive individuals. I also grew up feeling loved by my friends, my teachers, and just anyone who was a part of life for the most part. I feel like I have always been surrounded by supportive, loving, and kind people. I believe this is why I now struggle as an adult.

It’s hard for me to learn to have no expectations from others when my whole life I had people when I needed them. I always had someone who had my back and was there for me. I believe one of the reasons why it is so hard for me to love myself and find value in my life is because other people have always made sure I was loved and they added value to my life. I never had to go chasing love. I never had to go chasing down an “I love you” or a “thank you”, a “you’re beautiful”, “you’re smart”, etc.  So for me to have to do this now as an adult, it is pretty gut wrenching. I am constantly having high expectations from people who claim to care about me or love me, and I am let down on a daily basis. This is why self-love is so important and this is why I am working at it every single day.

the mission

I am finally about to put together something that I have been dreaming for many years but have never actually acted on those dreams.

I have always wanted to travel to my country and bring clothes and school supplies for those in need. Today I thought about it all day long and have decided that it is time to act! I believe this is one of those things that will fill up my heart and make me feel like I am fulfilling one of the many purposes I know God intended for me. God has put this feeling of needing to give in my heart and I feel like I must pursue it!

When people ask me what I do as a hobby , I never have an answer. That’s because if I’m not wasting hours of my day scrolling through people’s lives during my free time, I am binge watching Netflix. Productive huh? (Oh the sarcasm!). If I am not doing any of those things, I am cleaning my house or simply dealing with life. Til this day, it amazes me when I meet women who are mothers and full time employees, who still manage to find time during their day to do things they enjoy. For years I have been looking for that extra time, but life just won’t let me find it. Either way, I’m not artistic — I’m not a singer, I’m not a photographer, I’m not an MUA, I’m not a party designer.  I’m also in no shape, way or form athletic, so I am not a fitness enthusiast. Yes, I live in Florida, but I am not one of those crazies obsessed with Disney (no offense, just not my thing). In fact, I still don’t know what it is I’m good at, or even worse what I like.  That’s pretty sad considering I’m hitting 30. My life consists of taking care of my kids, my husband, my home, and working.  Aside from working (because let’s be honest if we all could, we wouldn’t work), all those other things are what I enjoying pouring my time and energy into. The only thing I can think of is traveling, which is now at the top of our list, but still, that only happens here and there.

The search continues for me to find a hobby or something to do, but in the meantime, I will start to plan this mission trip.

 

Quick Xmas Post

We do all of our partying on the 24th, typically with my family. We open gifts on the 24th at night. Of course, Santa comes that night, and the kids get their gifts from Santa the 25th in the morning. This year the kids were truly spoiled and so was my husband.

On the 25th we typically go to the movies. This year we took the SunRail out to Church Street to watch Aquaman. The SunRail is always a fun experience and the movies were only $5 per person since it was a week day. It was a win-win situation.  I recommend everyone who has access to the SunRail takes it to at least check it out. I will do a whole post on that experience some other time.

I lost all of my pictures from this day except this one. I ended up getting a new phone this week and it seems like those were the only pictures that never backed up to my Cloud or Google Photos =[

Anyways, look at my three beautiful kids…

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This is not my final destination

If I could do anything in this world, I would GIVE. I would give everything I could. I would give advice, I would give love, I would give food, I would give, give, give. I am constantly thinking about whether or not where I am in life is where I want to be. While my kids are healthy, I have my husband by my side, and I have career, a roof over my head, and so on, there are still days where I do not feel fulfilled. I want to be able to go to bed at night with my heart 110% full, not dreading the next day and questioning  day after day if this is really life (if y’all follow me on IG, I post this constantly).

I believe I have a greater purpose than what I am currently serving. It is so hard to know deep in your soul that there is something else you are supposed to be doing, but you have no idea when or where. All I can say is that I constantly get an itch, and I can see clearly that where I am today is not my final destination. I constantly dream of the things I know will make me feel whole, but I have a whole life to take care of and the time is never right, the energy is not there, and I keep repeating what I did that day, the next day.

The other day I went to church and the pastor had a message that really hit home (the message almost always hits home because I rarely go to church, but when I do… man oh man do I find out that He really had something to tell me). I actually tried to go to church for weeks, and every Sunday something came up. I wasn’t able to go, Sunday after Sunday. I kept feeling like I NEEDED to go, and I finally did. I literally even cried one Sunday because of how strong this calling to get to church was (trust me, the old me would think this sounds ridiculous, but I promise you, it’s true). When I finally made it, I prayed to hear the message I was meant to hear that day. I know I made it there for a reason, and I was waiting to hear what I was meant to hear that Sunday. Overall, the message was to be ready… because when the invitation comes, I have to not only be excited about it but take action. Sometimes new opportunities are right in front of us, and we don’t take them. We are ready for change, we wait for change and opportunities,  we get excited about the idea, but when they come knocking, we do not do what we need to do to see results.

Here is the sermon from my church:

Sermon: A Divine Invitation

I want to share this with you because it was a very inspiring message. Even if you are not a believer in the Word, this message can apply to any of us and I hope it resonates with you too.

 

 

 

 

I’ve been traveling…

I have been traveling more than I ever thought possible. I am not traveling very far, but I am traveling. I have realized that if I glue myself to search engines long enough, I can find flights that are almost free… literally. Not joking. I flew my family of 5 to  Newark for a weekend (Thursday-Sunday) for only $131 roundtrip. That’s right… 5 people flew roundtrip for $131.  My flight was so cheap that I was so scared of them cancelling my flight the day of.  However, the moment I got on that plane, I knew I got away with it. I say got away with it because there HAD to be some sort of glitch when I purchased my ticket.

Aside from NJ and NY,since my last post, I have also gone to Nevada, California, Arizona, and New Orleans. Instead of Nevada, I was really just looking for a flight to Colorado, but Nevada ended up being cheaper so that’s where we went.  Once in Nevada we drove to California (I wanted my toes in the waters of the Pacific ocean), we also drove over to the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. It was an exhausting trip, but worth every minute. I was blown away by the beautiful scenery— even if that scenery included 4 hours of driving through  the desert.

Clearly, I have been straying away from my travel goals and plans… but I am traveling, and I am so thankful for that. I really hope to one day travel through all states. I had not realized how beautiful this country is, especially since all I see on a daily basis are trees, trees, man-made lakes aka retention ponds, flat lands, you get the point.

Here are some pictures of what I’ve been up to: