During the day I’d feel lonely no matter how much company I had around, and every single night, I would feel unaccomplished and worthless. It was starting to define me as a person and eat up at my soul. People were disappointing me on a daily basis and I was allowing them! I was allowing people to define my happiness and my peace. Was I wrong for wanting people to acknowledge me? Was I wrong for wanting people to understand my struggles? Was I wrong for wanting to feel loved?
My whole life I felt loved. I thankfully grew up with two amazing parents and two amazing siblings. I was spoiled by my abuela and abuelo — not just with material things, but with words. My uncles were a big part of my life as well. My family has always been caring and supportive individuals. I also grew up feeling loved by my friends, my teachers, and just anyone who was a part of life for the most part. I feel like I have always been surrounded by supportive, loving, and kind people. I believe this is why I now struggle as an adult.
It’s hard for me to learn to have no expectations from others when my whole life I had people when I needed them. I always had someone who had my back and was there for me. I believe one of the reasons why it is so hard for me to love myself and find value in my life is because other people have always made sure I was loved and they added value to my life. I never had to go chasing love. I never had to go chasing down an “I love you” or a “thank you”, a “you’re beautiful”, “you’re smart”, etc. So for me to have to do this now as an adult, it is pretty gut wrenching. I am constantly having high expectations from people who claim to care about me or love me, and I am let down on a daily basis. This is why self-love is so important and this is why I am working at it every single day.