Why loving ourselves is so hard.

I believe one of the many things they don’t teach us to do while we are young is to love ourselves.  I do not believe there is anyone to blame — it is something that has happened over many generations. We are raised to be “good” people and are expected to become responsible and caring members of society. Sure, we are told to respect others, be kind, be generous, be forgiving. But we are told to be all these things to other people, never to ourselves. You’d think that by exercising these qualities on others, it’d happen naturally when we try to love ourselves. However,  we grow up and become very caring individuals to everyone but us. This is why some people go their whole lives trying to please others, thus forgetting themselves, their needs, and their dreams. Additionally, we are told we are smart, we are told we are beautiful, we are told many pleasant things — and grow up expecting more of these compliments to hype us up, and feel down when no one commends us.

I can honestly sit here and say that at the age of 28, I don’t know who I am or what I am trying to be — I don’t know what I want to gain from life. I also cannot say I love myself.  Unfortunately, this realization was not made until after I had an emotional roller coaster with many people in my life with whom I had a relationship with. I learned that I was loving and giving to these people, in hopes of it being reciprocated. While I am completely aware that you should not give to receive, I am also aware that no relationship is a one way street. It was a shock for me to learn that if I want something done, I am going to have to do it myself.  This is where loving yourself becomes such an important aspect. One should not wait desperately to be loved, to be cared for, to be respected — or to get taken out, or wait around for gifts,  for kind words.  We should learn how to do things things for ourselves, which will then help us understand that we don’t need people to fulfill our wants and needs. We can find love within us.

Doing things alone is uncomfortable for many, but there is no better way to get intimate with yourself than to be alone. I used to be so terrified of being alone that sleep became my best friend. On days when I wanted to go to the movies for example, and no one was available, I would sleep. On days when I wanted a kind word — but never got it, I’d sleep.  Now I look back and wonder why. Why could I not take ME to the movies? Why could I not tell MYSELF kind words? Why could I not go out alone and treat myself to something nice? Other people cannot define our happiness and we have to learn to be responsible for making ourselves happy – the only person we can have control over is ourself.

One thing I am learning to do now is to love myself. Every single day I question my life. I question if I am content or if I am comfortable. There is a huge difference between the two — and even though being comfortable is a pleasant feeling, we need to bring our lives into a content state… and away from simply being comfortable. Being comfortable is easy and it is also dangerous to our lives.  If you don’t feel a stirring in your heart or spirit, you need to change something to be able to feel gratified. Stop doing the same thing over and over again if you are getting results that are not bettering you emotionally or spiritually.  I believe the first step to loving yourself is to question everything — the rest will follow. For example:

Am I doing enough for myself? Am I living the life I always dreamed of living (realistically)? Do I think positively about myself and my life? Do I reward myself for all the hard work I put in on a daily basis? Am I where I want to be spiritually? Have I forgiven myself for past mistakes? Do I put my feelings before any one else’s?

If you can have a mental conversation with yourself about where you currently stand in life, you have taken the first step to realizing who you are and what steps you need to take to love yourself and live your most fulfilling life. The next step is to take action. I believe taking action is the toughest step. For one, it is hard to admit AND accept, that ultimately we are the only ones responsible for our happiness… not our best friend, not our spouse, not our parents, etc.  People are temporary and until we can grasp this concept, we will feel like people always let us down. No one should have expectations from anyone but themselves. Don’t wait for others to do things with you or for you that you can do for yourself. LOVE yourself , take care of your thoughts, take care of your spirit. Always remember that you only have one life to live and every day should be a day of working on your self-growth so you may live a self-fulfilling life.

Best of luck on this journey,

 

Alex

Mental health day where?

Last week I decided that I would take the day off today. There are 101 reasons why I needed today off. In my head I had my whole day planned out. I was going to clean on Sunday and get my errands done so Monday I could just relax. Sunday night I decided that I was going to drop off the kids at school, quickly stop for groceries, come home and finish cleaning the house, I wanted to catch up on notes for my clients for my other job, I was going to get my nails done, and then I was going to pick up the kids for an afternoon out. Delusional? Yes I was.

Want to know what I got done? I dropped off the kids late (I took my sweet time doing the girls hair), I started notes for my clients, I had lunch, took a 20 minute nap, picked up the kids and took them out, got home super late to get homework done and for them to shower, argued with the kids about homework, and now they are in bed.

What shitty fucking day that was… can I get a do over? Can I just call off again tomorrow? I am not ready for another week of work.

My goal was to have a mental health day and this just gave a mental break down. I am ending my night with tears in my eyes. I am so exhausted and overwhelmed that the thought of everything that has to get done is literally eating up my sanity. The thought of the time that I am missing with my kids is breaking my heart. There are not enough hours in a day.

My kids miss me. And I miss them.

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raw and unfiltered

During the day I’d feel lonely no matter how much company I had around, and every single night, I would feel unaccomplished and worthless. It was starting to define me as a person and eat up at my soul. People were disappointing me on a daily basis and I was allowing them! I was allowing people to define my happiness and my peace. Was I wrong for wanting people to acknowledge me? Was I wrong for wanting people to understand my struggles?  Was I wrong for wanting to feel loved?

My whole life I felt loved. I thankfully grew up with two amazing parents and two amazing siblings. I was spoiled by my abuela and abuelo — not just with material things, but with words. My uncles were a big part of my life as well. My family has always been caring and supportive individuals. I also grew up feeling loved by my friends, my teachers, and just anyone who was a part of life for the most part. I feel like I have always been surrounded by supportive, loving, and kind people. I believe this is why I now struggle as an adult.

It’s hard for me to learn to have no expectations from others when my whole life I had people when I needed them. I always had someone who had my back and was there for me. I believe one of the reasons why it is so hard for me to love myself and find value in my life is because other people have always made sure I was loved and they added value to my life. I never had to go chasing love. I never had to go chasing down an “I love you” or a “thank you”, a “you’re beautiful”, “you’re smart”, etc.  So for me to have to do this now as an adult, it is pretty gut wrenching. I am constantly having high expectations from people who claim to care about me or love me, and I am let down on a daily basis. This is why self-love is so important and this is why I am working at it every single day.

the mission

I am finally about to put together something that I have been dreaming for many years but have never actually acted on those dreams.

I have always wanted to travel to my country and bring clothes and school supplies for those in need. Today I thought about it all day long and have decided that it is time to act! I believe this is one of those things that will fill up my heart and make me feel like I am fulfilling one of the many purposes I know God intended for me. God has put this feeling of needing to give in my heart and I feel like I must pursue it!

When people ask me what I do as a hobby , I never have an answer. That’s because if I’m not wasting hours of my day scrolling through people’s lives during my free time, I am binge watching Netflix. Productive huh? (Oh the sarcasm!). If I am not doing any of those things, I am cleaning my house or simply dealing with life. Til this day, it amazes me when I meet women who are mothers and full time employees, who still manage to find time during their day to do things they enjoy. For years I have been looking for that extra time, but life just won’t let me find it. Either way, I’m not artistic — I’m not a singer, I’m not a photographer, I’m not an MUA, I’m not a party designer.  I’m also in no shape, way or form athletic, so I am not a fitness enthusiast. Yes, I live in Florida, but I am not one of those crazies obsessed with Disney (no offense, just not my thing). In fact, I still don’t know what it is I’m good at, or even worse what I like.  That’s pretty sad considering I’m hitting 30. My life consists of taking care of my kids, my husband, my home, and working.  Aside from working (because let’s be honest if we all could, we wouldn’t work), all those other things are what I enjoying pouring my time and energy into. The only thing I can think of is traveling, which is now at the top of our list, but still, that only happens here and there.

The search continues for me to find a hobby or something to do, but in the meantime, I will start to plan this mission trip.

 

Quick Xmas Post

We do all of our partying on the 24th, typically with my family. We open gifts on the 24th at night. Of course, Santa comes that night, and the kids get their gifts from Santa the 25th in the morning. This year the kids were truly spoiled and so was my husband.

On the 25th we typically go to the movies. This year we took the SunRail out to Church Street to watch Aquaman. The SunRail is always a fun experience and the movies were only $5 per person since it was a week day. It was a win-win situation.  I recommend everyone who has access to the SunRail takes it to at least check it out. I will do a whole post on that experience some other time.

I lost all of my pictures from this day except this one. I ended up getting a new phone this week and it seems like those were the only pictures that never backed up to my Cloud or Google Photos =[

Anyways, look at my three beautiful kids…

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This is not my final destination

If I could do anything in this world, I would GIVE. I would give everything I could. I would give advice, I would give love, I would give food, I would give, give, give. I am constantly thinking about whether or not where I am in life is where I want to be. While my kids are healthy, I have my husband by my side, and I have career, a roof over my head, and so on, there are still days where I do not feel fulfilled. I want to be able to go to bed at night with my heart 110% full, not dreading the next day and questioning  day after day if this is really life (if y’all follow me on IG, I post this constantly).

I believe I have a greater purpose than what I am currently serving. It is so hard to know deep in your soul that there is something else you are supposed to be doing, but you have no idea when or where. All I can say is that I constantly get an itch, and I can see clearly that where I am today is not my final destination. I constantly dream of the things I know will make me feel whole, but I have a whole life to take care of and the time is never right, the energy is not there, and I keep repeating what I did that day, the next day.

The other day I went to church and the pastor had a message that really hit home (the message almost always hits home because I rarely go to church, but when I do… man oh man do I find out that He really had something to tell me). I actually tried to go to church for weeks, and every Sunday something came up. I wasn’t able to go, Sunday after Sunday. I kept feeling like I NEEDED to go, and I finally did. I literally even cried one Sunday because of how strong this calling to get to church was (trust me, the old me would think this sounds ridiculous, but I promise you, it’s true). When I finally made it, I prayed to hear the message I was meant to hear that day. I know I made it there for a reason, and I was waiting to hear what I was meant to hear that Sunday. Overall, the message was to be ready… because when the invitation comes, I have to not only be excited about it but take action. Sometimes new opportunities are right in front of us, and we don’t take them. We are ready for change, we wait for change and opportunities,  we get excited about the idea, but when they come knocking, we do not do what we need to do to see results.

Here is the sermon from my church:

Sermon: A Divine Invitation

I want to share this with you because it was a very inspiring message. Even if you are not a believer in the Word, this message can apply to any of us and I hope it resonates with you too.

 

 

 

 

I’ve been traveling…

I have been traveling more than I ever thought possible. I am not traveling very far, but I am traveling. I have realized that if I glue myself to search engines long enough, I can find flights that are almost free… literally. Not joking. I flew my family of 5 to  Newark for a weekend (Thursday-Sunday) for only $131 roundtrip. That’s right… 5 people flew roundtrip for $131.  My flight was so cheap that I was so scared of them cancelling my flight the day of.  However, the moment I got on that plane, I knew I got away with it. I say got away with it because there HAD to be some sort of glitch when I purchased my ticket.

Aside from NJ and NY,since my last post, I have also gone to Nevada, California, Arizona, and New Orleans. Instead of Nevada, I was really just looking for a flight to Colorado, but Nevada ended up being cheaper so that’s where we went.  Once in Nevada we drove to California (I wanted my toes in the waters of the Pacific ocean), we also drove over to the Hoover Dam and Grand Canyon. It was an exhausting trip, but worth every minute. I was blown away by the beautiful scenery— even if that scenery included 4 hours of driving through  the desert.

Clearly, I have been straying away from my travel goals and plans… but I am traveling, and I am so thankful for that. I really hope to one day travel through all states. I had not realized how beautiful this country is, especially since all I see on a daily basis are trees, trees, man-made lakes aka retention ponds, flat lands, you get the point.

Here are some pictures of what I’ve been up to:

Places I want to visit within the next year

  1. New York (I miss it)
  2.  NOLA ( I miss it Xs infinity) – We will be going here for my dirty thirty
  3. Alaska
  4. Bahamas
  5. Tennessee
  6. Colorado
  7. Colombia
  8. Iceland
  9. Mexico

Let’s keep it short and simple — and attainable.

UPDATED 1/13/2019

UPDATED 10/13/2019 .. Last trip took place in July to Colombia.